A Classic for all you married folk!!
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
When you said on Saturday before we went out for the birthday party…
“No way! It’s my turn mama! You be the DD tonight! I always drive.”
And then.... Knowing how I am, and that I hate driving your truck, and that I am a total lightweight you drove anyway. Then you left the bar about an hour into it to get our friends, because I didn’t want them to bring their own car, because I just had to have G with me for the drive home when we rock out to 80’s music as loud as we can! Then you drove us home with the three of you boys in the front and us three girls in the back singing er...screaming the Mama Mia soundtrack and you quietly sang er.. mumbled along until the boys looked at you and you said “So what! I have an 8 year old daughter! What’s it to ya?!” Then when we got back to HD’s house at like 2 in the morning, us girls still had some singing and dancing to do, so you handed me a Budweiser and kissed me on the forehead before heading into the basement with the men. Then on Sunday morning when I was sure that the cerebral hemorrhage I was having was in fact going to kill me, if drowning myself in the toilet water didn’t do the trick first, and you brought me a glass of water and some Tylenol then kissed me before heading out to get the kiddos from Grandma’s taking your time to come home until I was feeling much better. Then when you helped clean house while I lazed it up watching cartoons with the kiddos…..
Yeah… I love you!
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Monday, February 23, 2009
My baby girl is stubborn as a bull. Now picture this…..
The girl hates taking medicine!!
How frustrating is that? Not only does she hate medicine and gag at even the thought of taking it, but she is prone to very high fevers. Has been her whole life! Once when she was 5 she caught strep and her fever was 103!! She was even hospitalized for it as a baby. At that age we would just hold her down or give her suppositories. (Gross I know, but you do what you have to.) What the hell do you do when she is 8!!
I can’t hold her down now because she just runs from me or screams and cries at the top of her lungs. That was the scenario 2 days ago after a night of no sleep and her saying “I don’t care, I am not taking it” to every threat we gave her.
That morning, I ended up crying because I felt the worst sort of tyrannical-mean-mom frustration come over me and had to leave her crying in her room where I had cornered her armed with 2 small chewable Tylenol tablets and a cup of water. It was even worse because my husband was the one to walk in and stop me from trying to force her. He said that we couldn't’t so we would have to find another way. Nothing like having yourself dressed down for being a meanie in front of your daughter. I felt like one too, and after about only 4 hours of sleep because she had been up all night tossing and turning with a fever, I looked into those eyes glassy with fever and tears, the lips chapped and bleeding from hours of high fever, and that pale face from nausea at the mere thought of taking medicine, and something in me snapped. So, like the meanie I felt, I told her how disappointed I was that she was being such a baby, sent her to bed, and shut the door to her room so I could calm down. Then I sat on the couch crying for being so mean when she felt so sick, and asking myself “What do I do?”
The answer was, there was nothing I could do. After taking some time to calm down I went into her room, sat on her bed, and apologized for getting angry with her. I told her that some day when she was a mom she would understand the helplessness of watching your baby girl get sick and not being able to do much to help, and not being able to convince your girl to do it for herself.
After that I sent daddy to the store for whatever he could find that she might take. He could have brought me home diamonds and I would not have been happier. He brought me the savior of every mom who has to go through this with their child. He brought me tiny junior-strength ibuprofen tablets that you swallow.
No nasty taste and they are the perfect size. I have never seen them at the store, and had no clue that they even made them. I was excited. Armed with a cup of water and clinging to the pills like a life-line I approached my daughter.
“Honey, I am going to have to ask you again to take some medicine so you can get better”
Immediately her face goes pale and she slaps her hand over her mouth.
“I was wrong before, I don’t think you’re a baby. You’re not one. You’re just too big for flavored little kid medicine. So, daddy bought you something better. Medicine, for big girls like you.”
I place the tiny pills in her hand and she looked at me hopefully, seeing nothing threatening about the tiny white pills she held.
“They are just like the ones that mommy and daddy take only tiny just for you and your little throat. They aren’t for chewing you just swallow them. No taste at all. I promise.”
Totally trusting she pops the first one in her mouth and takes a sip of water. Wide eyed she pops the second one.
“Wow!” She says, “I like that so much better.”
So thanks babe for calming me down (even though it royally pissed me off at the time), getting our little girl a medicine she will take, and saving my sanity!
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Where is the line?
We'll be out with our friends and some of the guys will look at a girl and be all like
"Woah, I bet she's High Maintenance."
Then I will look at her and think...Why?
Is it because her hair looks real nice and like she's been to a salon in the last 3 months?
Is it because she has her nails done?
Is it because that outfit she is wearing is nice?
Is it because she takes care of herself and obviously cares about her appearance?
So basically, if I want to go get my hair done, have my nails done, get a pedicure, spend an extra chunk of time on my hair and make-up, change my clothes a few times before we go out, join a health club, indulge in a new pair of shoes or that new outfit I have been craving (giving due regard to finances, of course), I could be considered “high maintenance”..... Right?
Honestly, I am very lucky when I get to indulge in any of these things because it doesn't happen very often, but I do try because I want to look nice. Call it vanity or whatever you want, but I do think that there is a direct link between how you look and how you feel. I feel more confident and sexy when I feel like I look good.
Is it all of the above?
I am curious what it means to you.
Other TFT Posts: Christie, Denise, Ang
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Who can forget the style of The Bangles and Madonna!
These girls were what it was all about!
They made frizzy hair and funky make-up look hot!
And seriously, did pink and white ever look sexier on a man!
Now, I can honestly say that I NEVER thought that Molly Ringwald's dress in Pretty in Pink was all that hot. I never did get the appeal. It looked homemade, but I guess that was probably the point.
Finally there is John Cusak in Say Anything.
Admit it girls! You all wanted a piece of that!
Sweatpants, and old T-shirt, and a trench coat!
Who could possibly forget the leotard that went around your boobs.
With no bra that look is steamin' hot!
So the 80's are back with a vengeance and here to stay for the time being. Better get used to it.
Sunday, February 15, 2009
- You sit in your pajamas on Valentines Day until 1:00 in the afternoon when you decide maybe you ought to take a shower and do something.
- You spend most of the day on the PC trying to think of something to blog about Valentine's Day.
- Your hot Valentine's date consists of taking the kiddos to Chili's, then going home and eating a pint of Ben and Jerry's while watching Enchanted with the kids.
- Your super hot evening ends off with you and the hubby falling asleep to the Discovery Channel.
Wow! My Valentine's Day looks even more pathetic typed out for you all to see! Oh well. :)
Today is the day I clean my house! This place is a disaster!
How do we let it get like this. Am I the only person that thinks that their house is probably the messiest house in the world?! Some days I just don't believe humans actually live here! It seems like no matter how many organizational tips we read or job charts we make this place is still a mess!
So that's it!! I've had it!! I am enlisting my kids and hubby and we are going to get this place cleaned up because it is truly ridiculous!! Wish me luck!
My son has this doll. OK he's a boy so it's an "action figure". It's one of those GI Joe type guys that's as big as a Barbie. Anyhoo we are driving and my daughter "accidentally" busts the arm off of the doll at the elbow. So of course my husband had to pull over for emergency surgery because my 6 year old son is heartbroken and silently crying alligator tears while holding his precious doll in one hand and the severed forearm in the other.
Hubby: It's OK pal. It's like he's gone into battle. Sometimes you get hurt in battle.
Daughter: And your arm comes off and gushes blood all over!
Son: b-b-but it's broken
Hubby: Hold on pal, I'm gonna pull over and we will do emergency surgery.
Hubby pulls the truck over into a parking lot.
Hubby: Nurse! (me) In that side pocket there is a thing of black electrical tape. I need it STAT!
I hand him the tape.
Hubby: OK pal, you got that arm on ice? Hand it over.
Hubby begins wrapping massive amounts of the black electrical tape around the arm.
Hubby picks up the doll and flexes the arm proud of his work!
Hubby: Look pal, the arm even moves a bit still.
Son: But it looks all chubby.
Hubby: Well that's because it's a cast.
Son: Casts aren't black.
This is about the time I look at my hubby and say "You are such a good daddy! But you can't win."
Update: House is clean and I earned myself a little slice of heaven which I like to call a Margarita. Oh, and some girl time seeing a movie with my friend. We saw Confessions of a Shopaholic and it was way cute!!
Friday, February 13, 2009
Dentist: OK so now we put these little things in with some glue stuff.
Assistant: But it's not really glue.
Dentist: Yeah, but it would be funny if it was.
Assistant: Yeah, if we were all like "Now we will put you back together with this bottle of Elmer's glue we stole from the elementary school."
Dentist: Well we wouldn't have to steal it, we could probably buy some.
Assistant: Hey, you know what would be cool?
Dentist: No, what?
Assistant: If we could like implant something in someones tooth while their like this.
Dentist: Like a micro-chip? That would be great for like Navy Seals and stuff.
Assistant: Yeah! And they could like talk to eachother but not have to use earpieces.
Dentist: Well they do have Blue Tooth headsets.
I have no clue what they were talking about either, and reading back over it, it's not near as funny as it was with the laughing gas.
I'll have to read over it again later after my glass of wine and Lortab.
Thursday, February 12, 2009
I had a dentist appointment today. Yeah. Some of you are already going "Ahhh, now I get the title." Like, after I finish at the dentist, I truly wish that having shitty teeth was cool. Like maybe I could go around with my grayish yellow teeth and guys would think THAT was hot.
Anyway, this was the worst trip to the dentist EVER.
I have a pretty good smile on the surface but because I loathe the dentist so much it's only the surface. I've had a broken molar for six months now and I just today went to have it drilled out and filled. Big mistake! I should have just let the thing fall out!
So I am lying there watching The Office, cracking up, waiting for the dentist and that is where all the fun stops. He walks in with his needles and begins to numb me.
Not once, because that didn't work and I could feel both the drill and the ice cold air blowing on my tooth.
Not twice, because I could still feel both the drill and the ice cold air blowing on my tooth.
Not thrice, again with the drill and the air only way worse now because my tooth is angry.
Not quatro, and by now I am pretty pissed at the asshole as some of the tooth has been partly drilled out and it hurts like a mother f&*$%er!
No luck on cinco either but we decide that I would try to brave it. Big mistake as the drill hits a nerve! It was agony. I about came out of the chair and I am ashamed to say that I immediately burst into tears.
What a baby! I know, but shit! I was dying!
Of course my ordeal isn't over.... I mean you can't just leave an open throbbing tooth. So they packed it with whatever and are sending me off to see a root-canal specialist tomorrow. That ought to be fun.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
I'll admit it! I love them! With all their super corny, make you wanna puke, predictable story lines and PG - R rated love scenes!
My favorite authors are:
Although if you prefer a more smutty novel I suggest JR Ward's Black Dagger Brotherhood series. You know all those parts in Twilight where you are just waiting for them to actually do something and then you think to yourself "Shit! What am I talking about? They're just kids." Yeah, not with this one!
Monday, February 9, 2009
I GOT NOTHIN'!
The only thing I can think of is how utterly sick of winter I am and how I can't wait to get out of this f'in house and do some camping and boating!
Why don't humans hibernate? Then I could just sleep throught this whole boring season!
Actually scratch that... I feel like I do hibernate. Only instead of being like a bear and losing 1/2 of my body weight over the winter I do the exact opposite!
To top it all off, we made the mistake of going to the boat show this weekend, and it's snowing again today so now I am thoroughly depressed! Nothing like pouring salt into your own damn wound!
I am sick of winter! 5 more weeks my ass! Stupid rat!
Thursday, February 5, 2009
Sofa king because I really don’t like to use the “F” word. It’s just not my favorite. Shit is probably my favorite, and beotch, although I’m not sure if that’s technically a swear word. Anyway, while I totally appreciate the diversity of the “F” word, I have a tough time saying or writing it except on rare occasions. Hence, I am usually relegated to using words like friggin’, freakin’, f’in or fudge. Then this friend on facebook reminded me of what we used to say back in the day. I sofa king love it!
Now, where was I? Oh yeah!... My idea and the wealth I shall receive from it!
When I get sofa king sick of doing the damn dishes, searching the house for cups, and prying apart the plates my kids ate their pancakes on this morning, I bust out the disposable plates and shit! While looking over this morning’s elegant place-setting of paper plates, paper towels, plastic cups, and plastic utensils, I came up with my idea!
This is going to be sofa king great! When I get sick and tired of stinky socks, skid marks, and dribble front pants (anyone who has a little boy knows what this is), I can just bust out the disposable clothing and toss that shit! No washing required! Plus, it’s not like it has to be fashionable. Mom’s all over will be beating the crap out of each other like those beotches on Black Friday just to get their hands on them. They won’t give a crap what they look like!
I know what you’re saying… “Modern Day, you are sofa king brilliant!”
Thank you, thank you. Stop, really, it’s nothing.
Alright environmentalists! Geez! I guess I can make them bio-degradable, although that totally blows the shit out of my swimwear and underwear line.
And I suppose you will only be able to wear them when it’s sunny outside for the same reason.
Sorry, entire state of Washington.
Huh! I’m gonna have to give this way more thought! Shit!
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Every Tuesday from here on out shall be known as…
Things You Would Never Admit To Day
You know what I'm talking about!
That thing you like, some kind of guilty pleasure that you just know you would get so much shit for if people knew you liked it.
This is the place for it, and I am going to start this week off with a good one.
Come on! Admit it! Don’t lie!
You know his songs and could probably sing along with most of them!
10 facts about old MB:
* He was born February 26th 1953
* He has sold 53 million records
* 8 of those were Top Ten albums
* He had a band that once toured with Ozzy Osbourne
* He has written songs for artists such as, Kenny Rogers, Patti LaBelle, Peabo Bryson, Barbara Streisand, and Kenny G (We will get to him another week)
* He has performed with many artists including Celine Dion, Ray Charles, BB King, and Wynona Judd.
* He once dated Cher
* He has 3 daughters
* The Michael Bolton Charities Foundation has donated $3.7 million to assist women and children at risk of sexual, physical, and emotional abuse, and poverty.
* He is honored with a star on Hollywood’s Walk of Fame.
Click on this link http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cDHafsrbDcc to view one of his most popular videos from the 90's.
Is that a Desperate Housewife I see?
Be sure to keep your volume down, you don’t want anyone to hear! :)
Monday, February 2, 2009
“Happy Groundhog Day mommy!”
My hubby and I chuckled when the questions started.
“What are we going to do for Groundhog Day?”
“Do we still have to go to school today?”
“Mom, can I check the Internet for groundhog crafts and activities?”
“Do you think we could get a special cake shaped like a groundhog?”
How sweet that every holiday is a big deal to them.
Even when its just a day where a meteorologist, disquised as a huge rat, predicts the weather for us.
Ahhhh to be a kid again!
A little background:
My girlfriend and I love cheese and wine. On rare occasions, we will get together for girl chat, and treat ourselves with a block of Brie, a box of crackers, some pears, and a bottle of wine and just pig out.
Fast forward >>>
I’m sitting with my hubby and I tell him that I really want to loose about 10-15 lbs to get to the size I want to be, and I would like his support. He says….
“So if you are like, I don't know, wolfing down a block of cheese and a box of crackers do you want me to say something?”
Yeah, that’s right! He said that shit! I mean for hell’s sake man, at least give an example of something I don’t do!
So what did I do? It’s all in a series of looks, ladies.
I did not say a word.
First I gave him the “What the hell are you talking about? Are you f 'in crazy?” look.
After a few seconds of enduring that look, he starts mumbling (Because it's hard to be coherent with your foot all the way down your damn throat!) something like “That probably wasn’t the best thing…" "I mean I’m just trying to be…." "What I was trying to say was…..”
Once I was sure he realized his mistake, I gave him the “Yeah babe, that shit just happened" look, and walked away.
Sunday, February 1, 2009
I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.
One is engaged, one is a mistress, and of course I have been married for 14+ years. We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by wearing a black leather bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes.
We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.
Here's how it all went....
My engaged friend:
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, "You are the woman of my dreams. I love you." Then we made love all night long.
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels and mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night.
Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said,
"What's for dinner, Batman?"
Saturday, January 31, 2009
My sister in law and I each have 2 kids. They alternate ages, get along great, and are really close.
This is for my sister in law!
Are you freakin’ kidding me??!! I watch your kids every damn day of the f’in week! You drop them off at 7:00 a.m. I get them breakfast. I get them ready. I take them to school. I pick them up from school. I get them snack. I help them with their homework. I watch them until you get off of work.
So, I should be able to ask you once a f'in month to watch my kiddos so I can go out with the old man, right? Wrong!!! Every time I ask you, you act like I am asking if I can come and give you a f’in’ enema!! Then you “hhmmm” and “uuhhhhh” until I just want to slap you silly!
Thanks guys. I feel much better now. Just needed to get that off my chest. One of those moments when, in the interest of family diplomacy you have to bite your tongue.
Friday, January 30, 2009
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Me: Honey, I am so excited! I have this really great blog set up where I can spout off about being a housewife and all the shit that goes with it.Hubby: (Staring at the television) Uh Huh....
Me: Can I talk to you about it?
Hubby: (Because he is of course well trained, looks away from the TV, and gives me his full attention) Sure!
Me: OK so I am thinking I should occasionally post a male perspective.
Hubby: O.K.... Sounds good
Me: So basically, I want you to complain about me on my blog.
Hubby: (Just looks at me) What?
Me: You know, find faults of mine and complain about them from the male perspective.
Hubby: (doing the safe thing and staying silent)
Me: So what do you think?
Hubby: Is this a trick?
Me: No I am totally serious.
Hubby: (Stares at me)
Hubby: I don't know......
So I decided to let him think on it. As impatient as I am I was eagerly awaiting a response while at the same time trying not to bug him to give me one.
Eventually he came through!
Hubby: So I was thinking about what you said earlier about your blog.....
Hubby: And... this will totally be like a camaraderie-type thing, right? Like when you and I joke around with each other. No offense taken, right?
Me: Absolutely! Because as you know I will be writing about you too.
Hubby: OK... sounds like fun.
Ha Ha Ha! Sucker!
Here is how you can tell....
You are at a class with your kids. Karate, dance, singing, whatever. Do you:
a) talk loudly on your cell phone so that people are looking around for something to hit you over the head with?
b) Sit quietly amazed that your child is really that cool?
c) let your other, smaller children run completely amuck, screaming, getting into purses, and grabbing toys out of other kids hands?
If you answered b.. Congratulations you have social skills, and yes your kids are probably that cool! :)
If you answered a or c you are one of the a-holes I ran into at my kids class last night and you completely lack social skills! You should relegate yourself to a hermit and hide out at home until you get a freakin' clue!
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Welcome to the Modern Day Houswife!
How this blog got started:
I started my very first blog recently. You know, the usual cutesy blog about the fam and the kids and what not. On my third post, a friend and fellow blogger left me a comment basically asking if I was just going to be another one of those bloggers that rambles on and on about their cute family and the cute things they have done.
My answer: Yes and No
I kept the other blog for my family and friends, but decided to start this one so that I can basically bitch and comment about whatever I want.
So welcome to the Modern Day Housewife,where you never know what you'll get! Enjoy!